So the 40th birthday came and went. I had a great time with family and friends. I ate some good foods and a lot of not-so-good foods. But despite not sticking to my clean eating completely I didn't gain any weight and I did some pretty amazing things.
First of all I sent the left-over birthday cake home with one of my son's friends, also kept the celebratory drinks to a minimum, and continued to try and make decent food choices. All this being said I only exercised twice last week and even took the stance that it was my birthday so I could relax.
What the hell was that all about? I started my 40th year, the year of the "new me", by giving myself the week off of exercise! Obviously, I have some work to do in regards to changing my view of exercise. I have to celebrate the fact that my body can move. There are MANY overweight people in their 40's who can't even make it to the end of the driveway without sucking for air.
I was really upset with myself. And when I get upset with myself I shut down, draw the curtains, and put on my best "pity-party" mix tape. Which is how I got fat in the first place. Luckily, I received two gift certificates to get new running shoes. So Sunday I hauled my sorry ass to Go Run and bought some new shoes.
They are a very spiffy aqua blue with hot pink highlights. They are made for cross training and silent ridicule if I don't use them on a regular basis. So Monday night I went to the gym with my youngest son. It was SO busy. I have never been to the gym right after work and I guarantee I never will again. I attempted my run/walk workout but stopped the running part half-way. I was embarrassed by attempting to jog while thinner/faster runners whizzed past me.
So I left the gym with my tail between my legs. I tried to give myself the pep talk that at least I went, but my new found inner gym diva was screaming, "YOU SUCK!" Today was my strength/weight training class. I screwed up during today's class by not getting heavy enough weights for my biceps. So in my mind the entire workout was worthless. Now the fact that I was drenched in sweat and tired as hell should have been an indicator that I had worked hard. But, in my head I had blew it.
What is this all about? Why am I being so hard on myself when deep down I know I am doing good? Because it is easier for me to fail than to think I might actually succeed. Sad but true. I understand failure. I know how it feels. I have seen in it my education, marriages, and parenting. But, what happens if I succeed? It is the fear of the unknown. Even if the unknown can only be positive.
“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.”
ReplyDelete― Henri J.M. Nouwen